It’s 3 AM and I’m awake. I can’t help but to lay here and watch you sleep in the glow of the night.
Your hair all a mess, your long eyelashes and pursed lips. A scab on your right arm from where you have scratched it.
When I see you sleeping all I can think about is how perfect you are. How was I blessed to be your Mommy?
I wish I could freeze time and keep you two years old. Everyday you learn a new word. Everyday you learn something new about this world.
God, how I pray for you. I pray that you are happy and will always be. I pray that you will grow and learn and be smart. I pray for your future. For when you are grown and don’t need me as much. I pray for the times I have to be apart from you. How I wish I could be a stay at home mom. I pray for your safety and your health.
I watch you laying next to me and watch your chest rise and fall with each breath. I recall a time when I wondered if you be able to breath on your own at all when you were in the NICU. Back then, when you were so small and so sick, I wondered if we would make it this far and I am so blessed we have.
I know I gave birth to you, but you were the one who gave me life. The day you entered into this world was the first day my eyes were truly open.I learnt what love was on that day.Who knew it was possible to love this much?
There isn’t a second that goes by that you are not on my mind. I wish I could slow down time so you can be little and stay in my arms forever.
There is going to come a day were you won’t want Mommy to hold you. A day is coming that you will be too big for me to pick you up and carry you. To hold you against my chest when you cry. One day, when you are a teenager we are going to fight and you are going to tell me you hate me because I won’t let you wear red lipstick, dye your hair purple or go out with your friends. I am not sure my heart can take it.
I want cherish all the moments we have together. All of the hugs and kisses. I want to remember everytime we cuddle and every time you giggle and smile. I wish there was a way to save every single memory with you in my mind, so that years from now, I can look back and remember everything. How it felt to watch you grow.
Tonight before bed, I read to you. We read Dr. Seuss. We played on the couch, Mommy and Daddy pretending to be monkeys to make you smile and giggle. We tickled you and kissed you.
Sometimes, I wonder if we are doing this parenting thing right. There are days were I feel like a failure over the little things. Like tonight, you feel asleep before we brushed your teeth. I feel like I should always remember things like that.
If there’s one thing I hope I do right, it’s I hope you never have to wonder if your Mommy loves you. I hope you will grow up and look back and think, “Wow, Mom worked so hard for me and she loved me more than anything.”
No matter how hard life gets or how hard we are struggling, I hope we will always put you first and get you all you need. I pray we can give you the best life and childhood possible. Love you more than you know,